Making the First Move in a Disconnected World

As a therapist, I get a front row seat into the loneliness epidemic. People are suffering and that suffering so often happens in solitude, and often because of that solitude. As a culture, we have shifted more and more towards isolation. We can blame city planning and the rise of suburbs and a lack of close-knit, walkable communities. We can blame our increasing online presence creating an artificial experience of connection overriding real-life engagement. From the social impacts of COVID-19 to the popularization of “boundary-setting” in pop-psychology, there are countless factors contributing to the decreased sense of connection to community in recent years.

So often, I hear clients express the desire to connect with someone from their life. Maybe it's a friend they haven't heard from for awhile or a sibling they've fallen out of touch with. So what's the issue? Well, more often than not, they want the other person to reach out first. They don't want to have to initiate contact first because they feel like the interaction will somehow mean less if they're the one making the gesture. And that makes sense! It is an understandable attachment need to want to feel thought of by others. It feels good to have someone reach out and put effort in to catch up on what they've missed in your life. It gives a feeling of reassurance in the relationship when someone openly expresses interest in spending time with you. 

As understandable as that mentality is, the problem with going through life waiting for others to reach out first means that you may be guaranteeing your loneliness. The reality is, the person you are hesitating to reach out to may have that very same thought process as you and is just waiting for you to reach out first. Or maybe your social “timers” are misaligned and the time they take between social interactions is a bit longer than yours. Maybe life just gets busy and they would love to be surprised by your message or call brightening up their phone screen and their day.

Okay… but what if you are always the one reaching out first. That gets pretty old quickly, doesn't it? Aren't relationships supposed to be reciprocal? Shouldn't they at least reach out sometimes? Another factor for this disconnection could be that friendships can sometimes fall into unintentional patterns. Maybe a pattern has developed that has defaulted you into the unelected role of initiator. But that is still giving them a lot of benefit of the doubt as to why they haven't reached out.¹

…What if your fears about them not reaching out are actually true?

Maybe they actually haven't reached out because they are no longer interested in maintaining the relationship. Guess what? That is their responsibility to communicate their boundaries with you. You are not a mind reader and can't be expected to do the emotional labor of interpreting their passive ways of expressing disinterest. Have they seemed to drop hints that they aren't interested or seem to try to avoid interactions with you? Getting clarity directly from them about their expectations of the relationship may be painful, but can resolve the sometimes equally painful dance of uncertainty or feeling strung along.

…What if the conversation actually brings you closer?

A common outcome of this type of honest inquiry into your relationship dynamics is that the other person was unaware of the impact their lack of reaching out has had on you and will want to make an effort in the future that shows how much they care about you. Taking the risk of opening up an authentic dialogue about your relationship could mark a new chapter in your relationship. By taking this step, you are normalizing clear communication and acknowledgment of your emotions and encouraging the same from your loved one in the future. Sharing your feelings openly, even when it feels scary or uncomfortable to do, may allow you to get more out of your relationships. Deepening your connection by sharing more vulnerably allows room for you to feel accepted more fully and it provides the opportunity to stop building resentment in its tracks. 

Disclaimer:

Every relationship is unique. There is no “one size fits all” approach to relationships. Complex relationship dynamics, insecure attachment patterns, trauma, and cycles of abuse may all contribute to the situations presented in this blog and cannot be generalized or oversimplified. The content shared on the Evoke Therapy Services, LLC website and social media platforms are for educational purposes only and are not a substitute for therapy services. Please reach out if you are interested in pursuing therapy services. 

Footnotes:

¹Giving your loved ones the benefit of the doubt can actually be a helpful strategy at times for many relationships, unless there is evidence to the contrary or if there has been a clear pattern of hurt or abuse that has broken the trust. Giving someone the benefit of the doubt is another way of saying you are open to exploring alternative explanations for their behavior rather than going based off your first emotional reaction that may be guided by attachment wounds from past relationships that don’t actually apply to the current relationship. Leaning into curiosity and having clarity on the relationship dynamics in front of you rather than operating from a place of hurt and assuming that every relationship will leave you hurt in the same way in perpetuity can allow your relationships to flourish.